So I’ve been documenting my days in a planner since there’s nothing else to put in there in there’s no school. But as I flip through it to make new plans or to just flip through it, there are less pages to turn as every week passes by. I haven’t dealt with my feelings when it comes to leaving everything and everyone I love behind for a period of time. For now, I will enjoy it all. Good times, good company. But with those I love it’s more of the best times with the best company.
Joanne! I know its hard for you to accept yourself as how you are, but don't worry I know you're a strong girl and will be able to overcome it(: you are pretty the way you are and don't forget that! I'm not saying this only to make you feel better but to tell you the truth! <3 feel better!! (:
Awe thanks Suky that means a lot to me! You’re very sweet!
Yesterday was a very eventful day, but I had some set backs. I was very sad and evidently mad, but at myself mostly. I woke up and thought I was so ugly and fat. I hated myself again and I didn’t want anyone to see me. I felt disgusting and icky and again very sad. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like this because I’ve been okay with myself. I’ve even had good days. Starting off my summer by losing weight was a self-esteem booster for me. But all that has gone down the drain. I hope to get over this bad moment, but whenever I go through it, it feels like it would last a life time. So as of now, I feel forever ugly, fat, and angry with myself. Maybe one day I can accept the person I see in the mirror everyday. Worst of all I hate seeing those around me, especially those close to me have to put up with this stupid disease. I hate bringing out frustration. But at this point I’m helpless because I’m very redundant with my comments and honestly what else is there for anyone to say anymore? I’m disgusted with myself and with what I put myself through. I guess I want to change but then again I’m scared to because for many reasons. Im scared that when I am up in Merced, I will have a melt down and that’s it. For now, I can easily run to people and my bedroom, but up in Merced I have to introduce my problem to new strangers and hope they accept me for who I am along with the disease. I don’t know how to compliment myself or like anything it’s so hard. I’ve been advised many times to try to say good things about myself but honestly it sucks when I’m sitting there struggling. I mean, I haven’t learned that it’s okay to like yourself. I do not allow myself to accept myself because I think it’s a bad thing. I remember when all I knew how to be was happy but now I have good days and bad days. I use to never care what people thought of me, but that’s all I worry about is how I’m perceived now. I keep thinking I’m that one girl in high school where people see me senior year and say, “yuck, what happened to her?!” I really don’t enjoy putting up with all of this and I know it’s just an internal problem, but it’s hard to completely get rid of it. I can only hope for a better tomorrow at this point. I can only hope that I don’t have these days often. But, it’s who I am sadly. Maybe one day, I will accept myself. Maybe one day I’ll cure this stupid problem. Maybe one day….
Last Sunday-Wednesday, I was in Vegas and enjoyed myself. A vacation well needed with my magnificent family! Too bad time passed by too quickly, but I guess that one happened because the vacation was well needed. You know, like one of those naps that felt like you closed your eyes for 5 minutes but in reality it was 2 hours but you feel GREAT after.
Thursday more time with my friends and it was just a calm day, I like slowly slipping back into normal life after Vegas.
Friday-Sunday, I was house sitting Ashley’s uncle’s house in Santa Monica. Oh yeah, plus dog sitting! Roxie and Bobby. We had the experience of living in an apartment ourselves and might we say, we are very calm. For pass time, we would watch movies and play Just Dance 2 on the Wii! But nonetheless, we enjoyed ourselves. We even had about a 2 hour conversation about life.
Less than one month left here, I want a mix of calmness, but fun all at once! I want more time with friends, but even MORE time with my family.<3
WHAT A TEASE! My iPad should be right here in my arms now, but my grandma missed the door because she didn’t know who it was. Then I’m calling and going on the internet trying to figure out if I can get it tonight but then if I want to pick it up, I would need to wait until Saturday ;( So might as well wait for them to deliver once more AFTER 5:00 tomorrow. So sad, I could have had my iPad right now ;( oh well the Gods want me to have it tomorrow.
Oh yeah, by the way good day at the movies with the girls, Amanda, Jazmin, Chelsea. Bridesmaid, hilariously long! Ha, yeah, I said it! Good mall day.
TOMORROW I WILL HAVE THE iPAD YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.
Phones hate me. No matter what phone I have, I manage to screw it up somehow. I’ve washed one in the washing machine, used one to its end, dropped one in soup, replaced one 5 times, chose a cursed phone, now with my iPhone, not even the first one, but the second one, oh yeah the first iPhone would always shut off on me and never does on my cousin -______- the second iPhone was factory reset and now it’s unusable ;( I have to get it re-jailbroken :( sad sad sad no phone…
in the mist of all of this, I always manage to lose numbers over and over and over again, good bye numbers once again
Today, I haven’t eaten yet because I feel like it’s pointless since I’d just throw up. My dad keeps telling me to go get food for myself like king taco or something since I haven’t kept food down I should eat something good. He’s about to go somewhere and he asked what I wanted to eat so he can buy it for me. I asked him where he was going and he said, “San Francisco, so choose anything from here until San Francisco. Even king taco seems close. Choose from San Francisco to San Diego.” He is so sweet!<3